No time for Quarrel

I have reached a stage where quarrelling doesn’t make sense. After years of staying together, we have accepted each other with differences. Even we appreciate the differences as both having the same views may not make sense and block our inventions and findings.

Earlier surrounded by elders and now having a little addition going around within our orbits makes it more difficult to quarrel. When you live in joint family quarrels have no option than giving the silent treatment. Things sound and are watched to be normal. I remember my MIL once complimented me saying its three years but I haven’t heard you people ever quarrelling. You are left with many things in mind when you have in-laws, husband and kids around.

You do not have the option than swallowing your pride and continuing your work and talking to each other even after differences.

Kids may also try to be your parent saying “It’s OK Mumma, Papa you should not say this, or just don’t fight to be friends etc.  This is one of the reasons that you need to ignore or choose the right way of interaction when you are quarrelling. Your words form a big impact on the child mind.

No, the matter you are working, or stay at home mom, the fact is we being women one needs to speak it out or say vent it out.

Few techniques that really help in such a situation are

Writing it down all and messaging to your husband if he is one who can read and understand. You may feel that saying everything doesn’t make sense, but still, it is essential for us to speak out. Rather than quarrelling after a long tiresome day especially when after commuting there is no energy left. But piling up thoughts is painful and not good for mental health.

It is easy to process your emotions when you actually write it down, so you can write it down, or type it and can also send across, because not only writing every time may help. It is also important to convey their feelings to understand the issues and address them as a couple. Many women chose to send messages and convey their thoughts, not bad-Isn’t it? But it is always better to sit across the table and discuss.

Find out time to fight

Lack of communication is a result of lack of intimacy, lack of trust are common problems with couples. It doesn’t matter you are newly married, together for years, the problems and solutions are almost the same for all. More often monotony takes over which makes the partner feels distant and detached.

It is important for the overworked couple's confrontation, resolving conflict and

Keeping the romance alive.

Addressing the conflicts is imperative but mind how you can actually address the subjects. The blame game is where the confrontation begins. Labelling or accusing partner makes them defensive, and it is an automatic response to an attack by a human being.

Try using I instead of you Like I am feeling uncomfortable instead of you make me feel uncomfortable.

It is important to understand what is causing problem-Unrealistic expectations, ego, blame or something else?

None of you are mind reader ask some question to yourself like What disappoints me? What is that we fight over? What makes me feel connected with a partner? How do we both change our communication? Answering such questions will help step back and understand the relationship as to where it stands.

Best way to deal with the fight is to have none and keep the romance alive is the next best thing.

There are ways to make your partner feel loved. Communication is not verbally but physical touch is also important, I do not mean getting intimate only, it’s an unexpected hug, a peck on the cheek, just holding hand at times can be the best communication and this will definitely be impactful. Locking eyes in a crowd or just giving nods to each other can be communication. All this action releases oxytocin which makes you feel happier.

The five languages of love you can try are Words of affirmation, acts of service,

Physical touch, Gifts. Start with discussing these things and start from here to be on the same page.

 

What Women want

 

Women’s life is more or less around the clock when it strikes twelve and Cinderella has to rush back. Though almost all have thrown their sights on what women want, let me try to say what women really want.

As a woman I just wish to have equal pleasure and avoid the 12 o'clock rush, I even do not want the magic of fairy godmother to turn me into a princess. I am happy with my cute animals. I am not looking for a prince who fails to identify me and just basis on the shoe he recognizes me.

I want to sleep those few more minutes than I do, and avoid that sudden shock of the rising sun. I want to enjoy the rising sun rays on me, I wish a steaming cup of tea

Some times to wake me up or sometimes we just hear someone saying, It's ok, relax, why did u wake up?

When I am bathing I wish the hot showers flows down me leisurely and I enjoy the loaf and it fragrance, instead of thinking of something boiling on gas or just someone banging my door.

When I am hungry I wish someone just serves me my favorite food without saying. I wish I am just given a break of those pinch of salt and fewer spice comments or something different menus.

Even when I gulp the morsels without chewing I expect someone to say, stop, and enjoy the taste and relish every morsel.

I do not want to rush to cook as soon as I m back home from anywhere, I wish I also sit and calm down, relax and put my foot up and see at the blue sky. I also want to relax when I feel exhausted.

When I am sick, I want to get pampered, like anyone else does. I want to relax on vacations like others do, I want to enjoy every bit as all do.

When we plan for vacation, I hope other than just worrying if everything is packed, someone just says you take all your things, remember taking you lovely skirts and all vacation wear you always wanted to flaunt and enjoy.

I want to be carefree at a party, sing dance and cling glasses that is what parties are planned for.

I want to stop thinking of healthy food my munchkin eats in party and letting child hog on fast foods and stuff.

I want to shake all the responsibilities and join friends as and when I wish meeting them and hanging out.

I hate the clock when it strikes twelve…….. 

I as women just want those few moments as any other person has, I just want you all to consider me among you just an individual like you all are.

I want you all to treat me as ME other than daughter, sister, mother, wife, and daughter in law.

I want you to understand and compliment me for my goods, I want you to appreciate me for the things I do as my duty, though that’s my choice to do it.

I just want to be ME as You are.

Love the person you have found

I was going thru some of my writeups collections, came across one which sounds very interesting and needs of this hour. The topic sounded so relevant so thought of reading. Here is the summary-

During a seminar, a woman asked how do I know I am with the right person?

The person conducting the seminar saw that there was a big man sitting next to her, he asked “Is that Your Partner? She answered ‘Yes’ how do you know?

The person smiled and said, let me answer your question. Every relationship has a cycle - in the beginning, you fall in love with your partner. The feeling of butterflies in the stomach. You long for their calls, their touch. You need not do anything the action itself says you just FALL. It is a natural and spontaneous reaction. 

Imagine you are standing doing nothing and something happens to you, people say I was swept off my feet. Try and picture the emotion. Well by now, you enjoy their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. After a few months or years of togetherness, the euphoria of love fades. This happens with every relation, it is a natural cycle.

Slowly but surely the phone calls become disturbances, of course, if they come at all. Touch is not welcome always, and your spouse idiosyncrasies instead of feeling cute feel like driving you nuts. Well, the symptoms may vary but there is a drastic and dramatic difference between the initial stage and now when you are the duller or angry stage. 

At such point, you or your partner may ponder if you are with an aright person? As you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once felt, you may begin to desire for the same, but maybe with someone else. Here is the first crack in the relationship. 

You must have heard the success of a relationship doesn't lie in finding the right person, it more about learning to love the person you have found. Partners blame each other for the failure of their relationship and their unhappiness and thus look outside for fulfillment of their desires. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is very common in such relationships. 

Sometimes people do turn to their work, hobbies friendship or just excessive addiction to particular things may be drugs, television, mobile apps.

But the fact that the answer to this dilemma is not outside the relationship it lies within the relationship is not discovered. 

The current situation is idle, you can go outside go inside. 

Falling in love is natural, and falling again becomes more spontaneous and obvious. You will feel good - temporarily. But after a few years, you will be back in square one, the same situation.

So learn to Love the person you found. Sustaining love may be difficult as you will have to work on it every day. It will take time, energy, and individual efforts and most importantly it demands wisdom. You need to know what to do to make it work. And mind it, it is a lifetime activity you will be involved in. The moment you leave it or step back you are again in the same dilemma.

Love is not a mystery. As there are physical laws of the universe, there are also laws of relationship.

You need to know to apply these laws, then the results are predictable. And So Love is a decision.

We have increased cases of abuse and violence behind the closed doors. We may not feel it, see it but everybody around who is caught in the lockdown and its effects, with no regular office, our routines are getting frustrated. Women are somewhere below the heaps of the online studies, broken screens and laptops, and husband food and other carvings. Being in family court for some years I have seen sweet homes break like the cards houses, in fraction of the seconds, just due to silly issues.

Men are frustrated sitting at home with no work and no income. They are trying to help in house chores but are feeling uneasy day by day to do it as a regular job.

This all frustration is leading to internals voices screaming, yelling out at each other. This blog is especially for couples who always wanted to be with each other but are done by the end of these four months. Please hold on, what we can assure each other is just breathe in breathe out “this time will also go”  

Critic - My Well wisher

We often come across a situation where we feel hurt for ourselves out of some random conversation or else get hurt on feedback given by a friend. Of Course, a negative feedback. And now you are thinking of the unseen horns and excused grown nails of your friend that hurt you. You picture them as critic and feel lost. You are hurt for the feedback and feel low. It is not at times about the feedback which is expected it Is about who gave it that matters. You feel like you friend stabbed you in the back and you tend to carry that stab along with you lifelong.

I am talking about the misunderstanding and the ego fights among the loved ones or friends. We tend to hold very flowery and goody image of a friend we hold a rough and hurting image of a critic.   

Putting some light on it lets us see how the critic helps us improve or show better performance. How important is to have a critic in life?  Every friend should be a critic to make you understand where you stand. We have often seen in movies that the best of friends get away from each other due to some ego issues or silly issues. We watch it till end thinking why do people never sit across the table and just speak about. Why carry those silly egos and fights. We come easily for opinion for others to overcome. Being a critic is easy art obtained by many of us. You can just shake it off like a hairy fluffy doggy, ignore the haters, try and prove them wrong or welcome your critic along, to direct you. It would be less rattling if we were surrounded by cheerleaders and encouragers isn’t it?

But too often your biggest critic is someone you love, you share every part of bit, someone you are closer to. If you come up with an exclusive idea of your next venture and you are told about all the negatives possibilities, limitations and terrible outcomes and hundreds of reasons for not doing it. Does that put you off??

Your critic can be your biggest asset

1.     Your critic will find all the faults in your plans, probably he /she could see something, think something that you cannot see. That gives you a different insight. They may sound like fault finding but believe that are actual loopholes.

2.     Sometimes hearing other people speak gives your thought an ignite, and   courage to speak.

3.     Your critic may help you approach you had not thought of, which your future customer may voice up.

4.     Your critic wants you to be just you, do not get it twisted thinking he /she is just about negativity for you. As that would bring the best of you.

Critics are not essentially, bad you need one who can show you the worst possibilities and overcome obstacles. It is better to have a genuine critic   than having a foolish friend.

We have a saying Marathi “Nindakache ghar asave shejari”. Which means you should have a critic neighbour. The famous appraisal system in the organisation is not only about salary rise but Feedback from your critic, you boss, and who actually helps you to grow. You may immediately not feel very happy about the feedback but in long term you will realise, most things you have learned in life are  in hard times, having critics around.  

So let the critic be…..and grow.

Dealing with child's failure

Dealing with failures, here is a special note for parents, yes because parents need it more than children. The results are out and parents are celebrating by distributing sweets in society. Children are happy thinking they would easily get admissions where they had aimed for. But this happiness doesn’t exist when someone around, whom you know did not succeed, or due to failure takes a step to commit suicide. Thankfully no news yet. Still, I take an onus to write for those parents of children who did not score well.

As we say firstly every child is different. We should accept the child with his positives and negatives as well. Remember Amir Khan Starrer movie had a dialogue “Sab milkay har ungli ko bada karne main lage huey hain” As a parent what you should not do is something we will discuss today.

Parents let us take this an opportunity to change our mindsets. The problem is not in this generation but in ours, as we are bought up thinking differently saying marks and ranks define us. We had lesser carrier opportunities comparatively, isn’t it?.

Remember we were made to believe that status in society is due to the money we earn. And to get that salary a few options like the doctor, engineer were available. No one really thought of other options and whoever thought was looked up with completely different and ugly looks. The “Log kya kahenge“ factor pushed generations into these marks and grades race. Passions, choice, and interest was something apart from our carrier options.

Ø Many times parents keep using the negative terms for children like a failure, looser, and duffer. You cannot be insensitive for your pride to your own child. Yes! I mean pride, results are like pride issues to parents, the way they discuss, and share results on the public platform. But for them who are not able to do this keep on blaming the child and using one-liners like, “You will never be successful” “You are a loser” Now a day’s every class even nursery class has watts app group of parents, where parents literally compete among themselves.

Ø You are not only degrading them, but hurting their self-esteem and also taking steps towards being the most insensitive parent “You are a curse to our family name, ”I think you should graze cows and buffalos”. Here labeling the child will be like a stamp that would never go off him.                 

Some parents take away all the luxuries like mobile, laptop given to the child, stop talking to him and stop providing his pocket money or his playtime is called off. Doing this will not help the child to concentrate on studies but of course, the child is getting away with his thoughts against you.

This reflects the parent’s immaturity.  Behaving in such a manner will lead the child to get the feeling of no one understands him, he will feel lonely, upset, feel low, and depressed. This may lead him to the wrong company and mislead him to health issues as well. And the worst case will be leaving the house or committing suicide. It’s not about being a good parent or bad parent, it’s just that you are a parent and need to deal with this situation carefully. First please understand the child did not do it purposefully. He/She must have tried his best to study and get good marks but somehow they haven’t, Now rather than going into the past, as a parent can you move towards the future.

Ø Can you try some words carefully which would make the child feel better in the situation where he /she, is already in guilt? Maybe something like “Its ok! Try harder next time. Failures are the best teacher; we are with you no matter what happens. When you stop trying is when you fail, so try all over again”.

Ø Guide your child to take learning from failures. Encourage and guide him thru the process but also ensure he has learned from the failure.

Ø Take family out for a ride or dinner just to feel better and help the child move on.

Ø Go along with his entire study material and understand where he went wrong, where he can correct and take pains to improve.

Ø Talk enough with him such that he gives out all his anger, guilt sadness fear and other strange feelings to overcome the failure.

Ø Start focusing on Childs interest and passion. Keep your carrier option aside, let him explore his possibilities.

Ø There are good examples of young entrepreneurs in the business field, so you need not get old to be successful in business.

Ø Let children try and fail as they have a family to support. And of course, that’s the first step to success, isn’t it?

Remember the scene in three idiots when Farhan chooses his passion –photography over being an Engineer. The scene got all of us in tears when parents and children are in two different worlds, but they accept each other and hug, isn’t that feeling great. Go ahead and hug your kid, for all he has tried. Choose your reactions and shape the future of your child as you are mature, sensitive, and caring adult, who also may have failed or not scored well in life.

"One exam doesn’t define who you are. Each of you is blessed with numerous talents. Live life to the fullest. Never lose hope, always look ahead."

 

Ek smile de… thodi hass jara......

Smile a beautiful expression. The best curve of your body. And believe me it is contagious. It brings that spark to those plain eyes. Every individual today is struggling trying to find meaning out of life. We all have become so busy, so engrossed in our lives that we actually have forgot to live it.

In this rat race we our self have forgotten to smile, enjoy life, so giving that smile to some else is out of question, isn’t it?

There is book named “Who will cry when you die” Apart from what is inside the book, what do you the think title says? 

Think what will people talk about you when you are not around? GUESS?

What you want people to say about you is in your hands, you can do it by the way you want people to talk about you. Like if you wish people should say he/she was a good human being, very kind and lovely person, u need to be one.

If you want one to say you have lovely smile, you need to give that smile to people around. Today when all are dealing with social distancing issue, believe me people are treating each other so badly. Even I see people around me who hesitate to smile at each other.

People are closing doors on each other’s face. Social distancing has converted to emotional distancing. It’s ok not to touch each other as need of an hour, but treat each other as human.

I remember in 2020 due to pandemic how northeast girl was treated by a man at a mall when he literally spit at her. How could one?

Despite all the hurry in our life we can stop for a minute to make life beautiful and world a lovely place to stay, leaving a mark behind where ever you go. Here wherever means any place like clinic, market, park, school, and workplace. Help the needy, we are lucky enough to be one who can help than the one who needs help.

Sometimes our little gestures make a lot of difference, brings smile on some ones face. A small deed of random kindness can do wonders. Giving a tip at big restaurants is a style, or say a gesture that makes increases your status. Why not give some extra money to those who delivered milk, grocery, eggs and essentials to us during pandemic. While we were in lockdown they doctor, staff, sweepers helped us in recommendable way, give it a thought.

Some simple ideas can be complimenting someone. Complementing may make the person happy and make him feel more confident. A small help offered by you to unknown person will go long way. You may find many thieves in public places but you never know who is the real needy person?

We have a sunday market near my house, where we often go for veggies and some shopping. One day I lost my husband wallet to a thief. I was extremely low and cried my heart out. I was very low as I lost all his cards, and some heavy cash. I was feeling so bad that couldn’t forgive myself for that negligence.

To my surprise my husband explained me “You never know the person must be needy and may be money was needed in hospital or some good deed” I felt so amused at his way of thinking.

To our surprise he got call from unknown person wherein we got his cards and wallet back with no money. Thief had thrown it at some railway station. So believe in “Achay logon ksaath hamesha acha hota hain”

I had lost originals to a thief while I was travelling to office in a train, but I didn't get it back. Bad meee !!

Always stay positive, be kind have empathy. Universe is like a mirror, it reflects back whatever you give. So give out positivity, give good vibes and so will you get.

We say what you sow shall you reap”

Humans can go on and on talking about themselves, try a give an ear to someone who needs it. Offer advice wherever needed. Maybe we will have less suicidal news, Fewer thefts, less bad energy.

Do not hold yourself back if you wish to help someone. You will not lose by doing something good but will lose if you hold back.

Simple activity of removing the stone from midst of road may save accidents. What say?

Remember smile is key that fits in every heart. You cannot change the world by smiling but yes if you even smile at one person making a difference then go ahead and bless that one soul. Let your radiance flow wherever you go.

My kitchen turned 🌈 rainbow

 

While lock down has tested everyone’s patience I am not different. My four year old and 35 year old kid both have joined to test my patience. It being almost four months my stress level has increased more than ever.

While the routine got disturbed completely in the beginning due to lot of lovey dovey activities and family time together, it impacted directly to my nerves. At times I wish I could beg Cinderella's fairy godmother  to have a  spell turning both of them to silent pumpkins. 

It took me equal time to get these two kids for breakfast, lunch and dinner on table. Minimum five calls was the limit. One day I actually thought I would fall short of voice and end up being Jaya Bhaduri of Koshish.

After almost two months when I gave up on cooking, utensils and mopping Finally Annapurna Goddess blessed my 35 year old to cook. Such things happen once in full moon and hence it is never the daily Dal Chawal menu, it turns out to be Chinese or something exclusive with many sauces and flavours. While he kept asking for every ingredient the moment I sat in the chair in drawing room. I preferred the list of things so that I can give at once, to which he smartly replied was no you don’t worry, I will find out you relax.

Musical banging and stirring could be heard along with utensils jumping from the kitchens slab. Before I could smell some burning the exhaust started covering the music and burning smell.

My four year old foal jumping all over feeling happy of something new happening around gave me the live commentary. She ran with messages from drawing room to kitchen and vice versa.

While relaxing I was giving him tips and alternate option for any ingredient. Finally after Two hours he came out with a fork with a testing food on it ,which was directly inserted in my throat. It tasted comparatively good as it was his first try.

I woke up to my dream when I actually saw my kitchen…seems it was something like a earthquake or like someone has just run over it or what my eyes couldn’t believe what was that.

I could easily count now how many pans, pots, spoons and dishes I have in my kitchen.....once I do my utensils. 

My black slab of the kitchen has turned into rainbow; turmeric had jumped on the chilli powder along with some corn flour sprayed on all the utensils around along with the handle of the fridge. The green coriander was decorated on the white wall and white marble has all spray drops like rain of all the tadkas he gave….wow that’s the day off from cooking.

 

Disclaimer: The blog is based on imagination and do not resemble to any person around you in your house. The person portrayed in the blog may seem like your husband but that’s a mere coincidence.  

Grandparents are not babysitters

Grandparents, two elderly people in our family. Children are very fond of them; they are almost like good friends who enjoy playing with each other. The common thing is both are at the stage of enjoying their life. Grandparent support, guide and assist in raising children. My phone call with my in laws longs for more than an hour every day and ends with number of suggestions and advices for my kid by them. Today as both parents are working it becomes duty of grandparents to take care of children. Children love it when their grandparents pick them up from schools and classes. My daughter enjoys sharing each and every thing with her grandfather on phone call.

But, it cannot be their duty to take care of your children, they are not babysitters. They have done their part of parenting and so should we. Basically due to joint family system we tend to think that grandparents are supposed to take care of children when parents go to office. This thought process is just because we live together in one house. There is very clear order passed by Pune court against a maintenance plea by a lady saying’ its duty of parents and not the grandparents to take care of the children. They should not be burdened to babysit grandchildren by compromising their relaxation, entertainment and travel plans.

Almost 40% of ladies are unhappy if not getting support from their in laws in taking care of kids. They hold in laws responsible for putting children in crèche. Do they not have the right to enjoy their freedom in their own way? The fact is unknowingly we take them for granted. We should always have a system of asking before handing over the Child responsibility to them, ultimately they end up starting from scratch OF PARENTING.

Coming back to joint family, we actually expect them to skip their relaxation time, or Satsang time and run behind your little one, feed him till you reach home. You at times take liberty to send the last mail and reach home late, but they cannot have their own right to spend their time as they want.

Secondly grandparents may have different parenting approach and not all parents may be comfortable with it. Simple thing like afternoon nap to which you are not comfortable as the child may take long to sleep at night, but the oldies need an afternoon rest and may expect the child to have a nap.

We women want both the world our financial freedom and the family time and expect children to be bought up our way. You will definitely go through awkward situation in such case. Sometimes we are quite due to obligations, but at some point that may erupt in wrong way. Similarly, they may adjust for some time but later it may come up in different way of unpleasant experience.

A very thoughtful decision I took once I gave birth to my baby, I realized she is my husband and my prime the responsibility, hence I gave up my job to make peace with mother and carrier oriented girl in me. I was, and I am able to bring her up in my own way. Also, this avoided the unpleasant situation in me and my in laws. Leaving the job somewhere I felt like I lost my so-called independence in form of earnings, but with help my husband we both achieved happiness and peace of mind which I valued more over money!

During all this I realized grandparents need their own time personal space and would always love to live the way they want, like the way we want at this age. Growing older is not taking care of grandchildren. As a parent they must have sacrificed as we do for our kids, so why do they have keep doing same at this age of life.

You’re in laws may definitely adore your children more than you, but that doesn’t mean they would love to change diapers and feed them now and then. It’s primarily your duty and result of your decision. So take the decision of having a child only when you are ready to take the diaper changing responsibility.

Do not keep sulking about not getting their support, take charge of your parenthood. Believe me you will be a happier and peaceful Parent nurturing your child.

Oldies in our house are together for few more years. Yes that’s the fact, and they need to share some pleasant and lovely moments with each other. They may also have some memories to remember, some dreams yet to accomplish. They also had struggled life of their part and want to be at peace. Life is different now; we live in nuclear families, enjoy weekends, have parties, and live on our conditions. The generation whom we call grandparents lived in joint family, had more of social responsibilities. They had weekend but not like us to enjoy and party. Remember what your parents did on weekends. They are at phase where any one of them may leave another forever. They are more of friends now than husband and wife.

Let them live their way have peace and enjoy the retirement just sitting in the chair looking calmly at each other. 

When life loses hope... SUICIDE

Lockdown has taken so many lives, people have depressed to the extent of committing suicides. Repeated similar news made me write this blog, taking some social responsibility. I hope this may at least add to your knowledge and may be of help to anyone who is not in good state of mind. It is very disheartening when any human commits suicide due to any reasons.

It’s not that this is happening only in pandemic, we have heard of suicides due to various reasons all these years. Farmer suicide, love triangles, exam failure tensions, family issues, domestic violence, corporate stress, business failure,  failure in relationships, Inability to have kids and many more. We live a stress full life and somewhere it leads to mental illness or mental health issues.

A person commits suicide due to his inability to live happily due to any reason, but the main cause is his mental state of mind which does not allow him to come out of the thought of finishing self. Committing or assisting suicide is crime U/s 309 of IPC. Thou the Mental Healthcare Act 2017, says any person who attempts to commit suicide shall be presumed unless proved otherwise to have severe stress and shall not be punished.

According to data so far 300 people have committed suicide due to various reasons in lockdown.80 people have committed suicides due to loneliness and fear of being tested positive for Covid-19. Her figure is not important; suicide in itself is such a painful decision. I would say in a general human being has decided to not live for their own reason, but we need to understand whatever the reason was, the main cause is they were not accompanied by any family member, or friend to hear them. These human beings are not limited or restricted to any caste, region, field or financial condition.

Suicide Prevention India Foundation

Imagine they did not find anyone to talk to or share their burden before they took the decision. How come human beings got into so much of loneliness in spite of increasing connectivity tools? 

Economic uncertainty and social isolation made things worse and created mental health crises. Supporting family friends and colleagues during such a critical situation is very important. We all are worried about the pandemic and checking on our physical health, but it is equally important to check the impact on mental health also. Here we don’t need to be experts just few actions of concern may help.

Just check in- We might not be able to meet due to social distancing but you can always pick up a phone and have call. Have group chats, have video calls, let people around you know you are listening. Connect to someone you think needs to be listened to.

Listen and reflect-Thou we are in the sound of health, there are chances of getting into disturbing mental health due to the panic around or say it’s a challenging time for our mental health wellbeing. If someone is sharing their issues or concerns, you just need to listen and revert in your capacity. Many times it is not about giving a solution it’s about listening, just giving an ear. Listening to a person is a big action. Show that you are taking him seriously maybe that can help.

Ask questions- If you find someone around you is not opening up but is in some distress, you can visit them again and ask questions. At times just asking again and again or showing interest helps a person to open up. Your asking question shows the person you are interested in to know his well being.

Unfortunately, it is believed that people who are not enough strong, say fearful or cowardly tend to choose the easier way, but you never know how hard the person must have tried in his limits before taking the decision. Do not judge them. There must be people around who are silently seeking for help.

There are various platforms to discuss mental health being, there are suicide intervention centers. The volunteers are given intensive training so that they can help you deal with emotional breakdowns.

Suicide is a very important public health issue, I am writing this blog just because I care for every human being around me. Thou I am not a trained person for counseling I believe just sharing and caring would definitely help the aggrieved. 

Let us see how to overcome suicidal thinking, these points are applicable in general, today due to pandemic we have some limitations as we all are at home or say restricted to go out.

• Get out for a while: Changing the location helps if it stressful to stay at your place or visit some friends you like to stay with. working out a bit releases happy hormones, Jog at home, go for walk, dance at home. Watch your favorite movie or something you enjoy even cartoon movies. Visit new places you like to like exhibitions, library.
• Be creative: Involve yourself in some creative activities like drawing, painting, writing something new, may be short stories, poems, just making colorful rangolis, making meals, craft, art anything you enjoy doing.
• Sooth yourself: Go for Yoga, meditate, and listen to your favorite songs or even solo performance, monologues. 
• Try and relax: Take a shower with warm water trying to relax you. Take a body massage. Take a nap. Taking enough sleep can also help; if not able to relax take small naps whenever possible.
• Positive Company: Be surrounded with people who make you believe in yourself, encourage you. Keep a positive company.

If at all the thought comes, please hold yourself back thinking about your loved ones who will be in permanent pain without you. Everything in life can be gained and can be overcome to expect life, if anyone gives up.

Do a small exercise, take a pen and paper, and write down all positives in your life. It will be difficult to write them or count them in such a stage where you feel low. Life is very precious. Be thankful for everything you have, the opportunities you got. I can help you write some positives...

1. Having parents is also luck because not all have
2. Having a house to live in
3. Having family
4. Getting food twice in day
5. Being educated to read and write
6. Having all your body parts in place 

And many more there people who do not have all this and still struggle to live with high spirits. Let’s learn from them and look towards new sunrise, new hope of life, and a new day, let’s look at better tomorrow.

Relating to relations

After working as Human resource specialist for 17 years in corporate,I am more inclined to look at every humanbeing around as a candidate,with same perspective. We are taught about human behaviour, body language, how to analyze based on the persons behaviour, answers or reactions. 

We interview people and based their answers reactions and observations we recruit  them. But when it comes to relationships in our lives how do we deal with them do we have these standards.

We do not have this option for any of the relation other than marriage and  friends. We have choice but no standards.It just clicks. I also had big list like any other girl for marriage  of course , but finally  I slowed down and understood the meaning of real relationship. 

No relationship can be perfect, relationships  are about imperfect  people coming together to live perfect life. We all are like jigsaw puzzles, we fit into each other  to form a nice picture. Our palms have places between  our fingers  for some else to hold it. 

Imagine about any relationship may be your parents, siblings, friends, wife, husband and think about what should be the contribution  of two people to have successfull relationship,both will have to contribute  to make it 100%.

How much should each person contribute?should their share be 50%?at actual it my go less than 50%?
Dont we compare  with our friends. You must be having friends who never call back.At some moment you will also think before you call them if she/he doesn't why should I? What percentage are you giving to this relation ?? Less than  what your friend gave. When we say we are giving 50% the fact is you are holding  back other 50%.

Guys at some point both sides will go so bad that the relationship  is almost on artificial  breathing - ventilator. 

Both the partners in any relationship may be friends, siblings, cousins, betterhalf, all should give their 100%, isn't  it?? Relationships needs effort, adjustments, forgiveness,acceptance.It's based on some interest,an emotional  connect. 

We are in lockdwon period,are we giving that 100% to our  relations.Are we doing needful  to nurture our relation.what is your role in keeping the particular relation alive.In any relationship there has to be giving, sharing, caring, concern all the time and not only on special occasions  like B-Days or festivals. Relationship blossoms when you give your 100% all the time. Specially  when  your partner is low because  of what ever reason. You need to take step towards your partner, your friend, to make them comfortable,help them,serve them,stand by their side. Let's try and do the famous Shahrukh Khan step keep your arms open and just give a hug. 

In case  you have some issues  with friends family partner, think why are you together. This why will keep you connected. Always discuss, communicate, keep clarity of thoughts at equal level mentally. This WHY will keep you together, will hold your relation.

In any relationship  there is going to be comparison  about earnings, education, needs you just need to bring it at one level. If wife doesnt earn bring her at your level as she manages house,kids,family all single handed. She is contributing  in a differnt way by her work, her care. As a parent discuss your child's dreams their further plans aspirations. Contribute  together  towards full filling  it. Show concerns if they come across  failures rather  than blaming for wrong decision.
Your friend can be like your sister,your brother  can be your  friend, your mother can be your sister or a friend, your husband can be your buddy, your daughter can be your guru,yes sometimes kids simply teach you the hardest things of life.  do not limit any of your relation in any bounded word,  explore it, let it take its shape, let it have the interchangable roles.

Celebrate  your relations, give them 100%  no matter what. Be the part of beautiful  picture formed by the jigsaw puzzle.
Create a aura around every relation,let everyone  admire your relation,take it to next step where there would be only understanding,care,love, and concern.

Elephant chain syndrome

I was very much of the opinion that I cannot even float on water. I used to visit the canal a couple of times. The canal is a man-made strip of water used for irrigation or public use. There was a special arrangement for washing clothes along its bank. We often visited with cousins and a couple of times I tried to swim but failed. The feeling of getting drown scared me. This somehow pulled me back and I could not learn to swim. Further, as I grew older I was sure I won't ever learn swimming. I was chained by my thoughts when I was young. This reminds me of elephant syndrome. 

A baby elephant at a very young age is tied with ropes and chains. Elephant tries to set himself free by struggling for a couple of days and months. Over a period of time, he realizes he cannot break the chain or rope, and thus he stops struggling. As the elephant grows he does not even try to free himself but the fact is he can easily break the chain if he wants to. 

This syndrome happens with humans also. Children who are really not good in studies or say are poor in studies, do not show that thirst for knowledge. Their childhood failure or experience holds them back. 

Children who are treated inferior due to their friends, cousins or siblings get into superiority complex as a reaction to it. They are chained by their belief and thoughts that they go through at a young age. 

This syndrome is nothing but a memory, a fear that a person carries for a longer time, And over a period accepts it as a fact. 

But the difference in human and elephant is you can overcome your fear your thoughts, provided you want to. I learned swimming last year and it was not at all hard for me. At some moment I decided to overcome the fear of water. I learned different strokes, diving and today it's my fitness exercise. Many people do not have certain food because they have some history related to the consumption  of that food. Sometimes a childhood fear gets converted to phobia, and it's very much medical condition. It has to be treated by doctors.

We can overcome simple fears that hold us back. Sometimes we do not try and without thought we conclude on it, which in the long term may not be beneficial.

One of my friends did not have citrus food or fruits because his father showed an allergic reaction to it. He thought that I will be hereditary but then due to deficiency he always suffered from mouth ulcers and it was to such extent that he could not have food for week or more. Further after ten years he introduced citrus food in his diet and got rid of ulcers. We need to just turn back and work on our fears. We can definitely overcome it. 

We should turn back and work on our fears to overcome it. At a young age, it's just belief that turns into decisions. let us not have any fear, explore the fun, Overcome your fears. Give it a try maybe something that didn't work earlier, things may work for you over a period of time. Things change, our physical abilities also change. 

Let's keep the difference, we are not elephants. Try and break the chain for betterment.